What if your partner’s family don’t give their blessings?

When you’re thinking about proposing to your partner, you might wonder about whether you should ask for their parents’ blessings for your engagement. For some people, asking a partner’s parents or extended family for their input on a proposal is a traditional, romantic gesture, and a good way of showing respect to the family and involving them in your marriage. For others, this might seem old fashioned and not necessary.

You know your partner best, so you can decide if and when you should discuss your proposal with their family. But what if you ask for the family’s blessing and they don’t give it? What then? Here is some advice to see you through this difficult issue.

Why parents might not give their blessings

Firstly, if your partner’s family does say no, you should consider what their objections to your proposal might be. Some reasons they could refrain from giving their blessings include:

They think it’s too soon for you to get engaged.

If you and your partner haven’t been together for all that long, then they might be concerned that you aren’t at the right stage in your relationship for marriage just yet. If the parents are married themselves, they might even be able to give you some good advice on how long to wait before proposing and how to know if you’re ready for marriage.

They don’t want their child to get married at all.

It’s a rare occurrence, but some parents will not want their child to get married to anyone, for personal or social reasons. If they’re very sure about this, then there might not be much that you can do to change their mind.

They don’t share your religion or values.

If your partner’s family are very religious and you are not a member of their faith, they may be unhappy at the idea of their child marrying outside of their religion. Alternatively, if you have very different political or social views from them, this could be a problem too. How much of a problem this is will depend on how flexible they and you are willing to be. For example, the family might be willing to support your engagement if you are willing to agree that any children you have in the future will be raised in their faith.

They want their child to make their own decision about marriage.

If your partner’s parents are rather modern or liberal, they may not want to influence their child’s choice on whether or not to get married. In this case, they would rather you proposed to your partner first, and then inform both of your families if the answer is yes.

If your partner’s parents are rather modern or liberal, they may not want to influence their child’s choice on whether or not to get married. In this case, they would rather you proposed to your partner first, and then inform both of your families if the answer is yes.

What to do if the parents say no

If you have asked your partner’s parents for their input and they have said that they don’t support your proposal, then you should think seriously about why this is. Are their objections valid and reasonable? Or are they just being mean-spirited? If your partner is close to their family, and they often talk to them about your relationship, then you should take their family’s view seriously. They know your partner well and may have good reasons for withholding their support, and they could give you good advice on how to proceed.

However, if your partner is not close to their family, or if their family has a history of being unsupportive, cruel, or abusive, then you don’t need to let their views stop you from preceding with your proposal plans. If your partner does not spend a lot of time with their family and they avoid discussing personal topics such as relationships with them, then they will probably not be so concerned over whether their parents support their marriage or not.

If you can, find a way to talk with the family again. Let them know that you respect their objections but that you very much want to marry your partner. Find out if there is anything you could do that would change the family’s mind about your proposal. If at all possible, try to win them around as this will make life much easier for both you and your partner. The last thing you want is for your proposal to cause a rift between your partner and their family – this should be a happy occasion!

How to proceed with the proposal and engagement

Remember that asking your partner’s parents for permission to propose and then ignoring them if they say no is much worse than not asking permission at all. Not asking the family might be seen as inconsiderate, but asking and then ignoring their objections is rude at best and downright confrontational at worst. Also, consider the challenge of arranging a wedding when half of the family involved is unhappy at you for not heeding their objections. This will be both exhausting and stressful!

If you are unsure about how the family will react, then it might be best to propose to your partner first. If your partner says yes, then you can inform your families together about your decision to marry. And if you need advice, then you could always ask your partner’s friends for help with the proposal instead of the family.

Getting everybody on board with a proposal can be a challenge, but if you and your partner want to make it work, then as the old saying goes: where there’s a will, there’s a way.